Why It Matters and How to Start Parenting often brings up parts of ourselves we didn’t even know were still there, especially if we grew up with childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or caregivers who didn’t know how to meet our emotional needs. Many parents I work with want to show up differently for their children …
Why It Matters and How to Start Parenting often brings up parts of ourselves we didn’t even know were still there, especially if we grew up with childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or caregivers who didn’t know how to meet our emotional needs. Many parents I work with want to show up differently for their children but struggle to connect with their own “inner child” parts. And that’s completely normal.
When you’ve spent most of your life in survival mode, pushing away your emotions or learning to be “the strong one,” it can feel uncomfortable or even unsafe to look back at what you needed as a child. But connecting with your inner child isn’t about reliving your trauma – it’s about slowly building compassion for the younger parts of you that never got the support they deserved
Here are a few gentle prompts that can help you begin that connection:
1. What did I need most as a child that I didn’t consistently receive?
Many adults learned early on that love, attention, or approval had to be “earned.” Achievement, perfectionism, caretaking, or being the “easy kid” often became survival strategies. Naming what you needed – safety? consistency? comfort? someone to notice your feelings? – is the first step in healing that unmet need.
2. How would I speak to my child if they made a mistake?
Most parents today respond with reassurance, patience, and softness. But the way you were spoken to as a child may have been much harsher. Comparing these two responses can highlight exactly where your younger self needed more compassion.
3. When I feel like I’m “not enough,” how do I talk to myself?
Do you hear your parent’s critical voice? Or do you speak to yourself the way you would speak to your own child? The tone you use internally often reflects the environment you grew up in -not your worth.
4. What did I need to hear most as a child?
Simple statements like “You’re safe,” “You don’t have to be perfect,” “Your feelings make sense,” or “I’m here with you,” can be powerful invitations for healing.
5. If my younger self could see my life now, and the way I show up as a parent, what would they think?
Often, that younger version of you would feel relieved, proud, or even amazed at the safety you’ve created that they didn’t have.
Why This Work Matters
Connecting with your inner child isn’t meant to be perfect or easy. For trauma survivors, this work can feel confusing or even foreign at first, especially if emotional needs were minimized or ignored growing up. But slowly practicing curiosity instead of shame creates pathways for deeper healing.
As you build this connection, something powerful happens:
You begin to offer your child the emotional safety you never received- and you learn to offer it to yourself, too.
Even tiny steps count. Even just asking these questions is part of the healing.
